I was over at Erica's place, reading her post about dreams, and it reminded my of one of my own.

When I was an undergrad, I was lucky enough to take several classes with Dr. S. He was smart, funny, and hard. He expected a lot, and that's what he got. I had taken Mineralogy with Dr. C in the Fall and had to write a scientific paper on the mineral of my choice, garnets in this case. I fucking hated writing that damn paper! It was the most boring thing I've ever done.

So when I got to the next course with Dr. S, I begged and pleaded to not have to write a paper, I wanted to do some research. So we did- we analyzed the clays in the stream bed of a local stream that travels through the property of a large copper plant in my area. It was awesome! I'll tell you more about it at a later date.

Anyway, Georgia has an Academy of Science, and every year students can present their research to a panel of experts. The best/most interesting win accolades and their name in the paper and a pretty certificate, but the best part- the winner gets his/her abstract published in their annual magazine.

The Geology department paid for the rooms, since it was South Georgia and too far to drive. Dr. S had a greenish bluish Firebird (a guy thing I'm sure). Most of the other students going and their professors rode in the college bus, but for some reason Dr. S and I rode down in his car.

Now keep in mind that at that point, I had gotten drunk with several of those professors on the geology field trips we took. They were my teachers, but also sort of my friends.

Ever seen the DeNiro version of Cape Fear? One of the creepiest movies I've ever seen. The rape scene? Where he bites her face? And breaks her arm?

GodAlmightyDamn!

That dream beats out the I'm running from Frankenstein up the stairs but can't make my legs move dream from my childhood as the scariest fucking thing to ever happen inside my head.

The night before we're supposed to go to the Academy, I dreamt that scene- Dr. S as DeNiro and me as the poor secretary. Damn! I woke up terrified and sweating.

It took a lot of courage to get in that damn car and drive the 4 hours, just the two of us. I never told him about the dream. Even though that was at least 15 years ago, I still remember it.

Just looking at that picture give me the heebie jeebies...

Their 1st date

Karen and Carol were good friends. They were students at a small high school in a small town in New York. Weekends found them at the local diner, listening to Mack The Knife. Usually a group of 15 or so got together.
Carol was tall-ish and a little over weight. Karen was a pixie- 5'2" and weighed less than a hundred pounds. But she was stacked. Karen was dating a boy, she thought she might love him, they'd talked about getting married. Carol was dating a new guy- a serviceman, if you can take the scandal! His name was Wayne, tall, good looking. A full head of dark shiny hair. All the girls just stared! He and Carol had a good time dancing, slow dances were his favorite.
Wayne took one look at Karen. He had but one thought-

Those have got to be FAKE!

So he asked he to dance that fateful Friday night. My, how they danced. Carol got her nose a little out of joint.
As was the custom, all the friends showed up at Karen's house late at night, Karen's mother Anna would make them breakfast.
Saturday found Wayne and Karen still talking. Saturday evening they danced the night away.
Sunday morning found them at Anna's table again, after mass, of course.
Wayne saying things like "When Karen and I are married, you'll have to have breakfast with us." Anna was furious- he was a Serviceman, for Christ's Sake! And wasn't he the spitting image of her son she'd buried just a few short years ago?

That fury might have been just the thing Karen needed to say yes.

A few short months later- May 12th,1962, to be exact, Karen Shortell and Wayne Johnson got married in a little church on a hill.
Carol was a bridesmaid, Karen's favorite sister Marianne the Maid of Honor.


I'm not sure if it really happened just like that. But I've heard the story of my parents 1st meeting often enough that I could picture it that way. It's my favorite "memory" I have of them.
They loved to dance, right till the end.

Happy 45th anniversary, Mom and Dad.

Here's something they don't teach you at Teacher School: You can anything about a student as long as you follow it with "Bless Her Heart"
To wit:

I have a student who must have the smallest brain case I have ever seen on a teenager. My nine year old has a larger skull than her. She tries so hard, and usually scrapes by with a B only because of her persistence.
She likes sports and also cheer leading. This time of year, coaches start having tryouts, kids get all these papers to fill out.One of which is a medical questionnaire. She says, "Ms. Holder, can you help me with this? I don't understand."

The question?



Have you ever had a menstrual period?


Bless her Heart.

Forgive me, Sheryl, for I have sinned

I used 3 wraps around my hand for my last BM.

My penance will be to clean all the bathrooms in my house, and ponder the evils of my ways,

PLAYER - BABY COME BACK-1977

oh, Chou....

An Icky Moment

Caution- male nudity ahead- approach at your own risk.


It's funny the stuff you remember growing up.

I lived off Old Humble Road in Houston, there was a TXI over there, sold concrete. During the summer I was 10 we would pick berries in the woods near our house- it was a good alternative to playing in traffic, I suppose. Or sitting under the railroad trestle.
My sister and I were friends with two kids, brother and sister they were.
Now my sister was always the drop dead gorgeous one. She and I were close. I lamented the fact that I would never be a beautiful as she, but I don't believe I held it against her.
So back to berry picking.
Henry and his sister had a little stand of trees to the side of their property, a good locale for berries.
Once, we went a'picking. Henry was sorta deep in the woods, picking his berries and whatnot, when he calls out to me-
"Come in here"
Well, he gave me the willies, so to speak, so I was reluctant to give him what he wanted and waited roadside.
Again, he called.
Again, I waited.

He came walking out of the darkness of the trees. Something was wrong with him. He was sweaty, and something was on the front of his britches.

Ewwww!

He had his penis out.... and it was all swollen!
Even worse, it was all purpley- like he'd smooshed it with berries.

EWWWWWW!

I threw my bowl at him and ran off.

Sad thing of it is, my sister dated him later the next year.

Muppets - Mahna Mahna

For Uncle Chuck, we love you

beans, beans

When Pete was born, she had to have some surgery to correct a birth defect, a Ladd procedure to be precise. Her intestines are somewhat narrower as a result of the defect, which can cause pain.

We found out the hard way this weekend, that Pete should not, under any circumstances, eat a large helping of beans at lunch to be followed by cantaloupe for dessert. Oh, and she cannot take simithecone for gas either.

Her farts this weekend have been excruciating- both for her and us. I may have to repaint the walls.

The worst part has been her reaction to the meds- violent emesis. yep- yarking.
Have I told you I don't do yarking?

Update 4/26
Pete is doing much better, several BM's later. She back to her spritely self.

Re-Pete asked me if lightning took the lights out of our house.
What will she think of next?

I know there are people out there that are quite happy without children, who don't want children, and boy do I get jealous of you- wake when you want on your day off, watch a movie uninterrupted. All those things I was able to do- 19 years ago.

But then I feel kinda sorry for you- you don't get to see these incredible people grow and change before you. To watch the light go on in their head when they figure something out. See them care for each other (although their fighting is enough of a vasectomy incentive). To hear their descriptions of the world around them.
And the hugs, and kisses, and snuggles. Y'all just don't know what you're missing.

Cheers!

Did you hear? Drinking fruity adult frosty beverages with rum, tequila, or vodka is good for you.

Now, that's what I call good news!

When reasonable people turn into crazy batheads

So.
So.So.So.
A kid tells another at another high school in my county that they heard that another kid had threatened to bring a gun to school. Then, one of them gets on My Space (ugh!) and threatens violence worse than anyone had seen.
This was last night.
Today, it's all over the county- parents, schools, businesses, that there's a guy at another school with a gun.
No wait, he shot someone.
AND
he's coming to our school
AND there are bomb threats.

Sheesh.
Effing rumor mongers!

We had about half of our kids check out today, 80% at the other school. It was a zoo!
Nothing got done.

The Good News- all the dumb asses left before we had our field day. All the good kids were left, and we had a blast playing in the sun: egg toss, 3-legged race, balloon race, etc, etc.

Oh goodie

I'm number one for Tub-o-Shit. Just when I thought I'd outgrown that particular nickname.

Seal Ya Later!

Mission accomplished, thank you very much to all people involved....

I need more time

6 weeks of school. 3 weeks plus 2 days of summer school. Whew!
Too much to do, not enough time.

I think I need a wife.
Someone to do all the BS I do here- dishes, cooking, cleaning toys, waking up those pesky children,
That way I could spend my days and "free time" hanging out with beautiful people.
And get that tattoo.
But no fairies, or birds, something original. But what? And Where?
Ankle?
Ooh, how about on the calf? That looks good. And I have great calfs/calves/gastrocnemius muscles.
Saw a woman with her kids names tattooed in a tribal-ey pattern around her bicep.
Nah.
How about an infinity symbol? For the limitless possibilities in my life....
Or a double helix to represent the grand design that is life?
But wait, all science really boils down to physics.
Maybe an Apple, in honor of Sir Isaac Newton, or a Finch and turtle for Darwin?
I'm liking the infinity symbol idea... but an apple and a turtle.... how to work it in?
How about a red turtle with an infinity symbol on its back?

Questions. Questions.

I need a wife.

Getting an education

Pete is about the age where she can start remembering important things easier.
What important things, you ask?
Good question, Grasshopper. Names of songs and the artist/group responsible. She, being the 9 year old expert Know-It-All has decided that some names are good, some stupid:
Eagles- good
The Doors- bad- cuz they just open and shut, how dumb is that?
Red Hot Chili Peppers- good
Drivin' and Cryin'- bad- it's just stupid

It's nice to hear her sing along with the song- I had hoped my son would develop that talent, but nope, didn't happen. She even requests the local rock station be played.
That's my girl.

hmmm, not much today. Been staring at the blinking cursor here. Just not much in my little head today. Spent the morning watching movies. Saw the last of a creepy movie with Kevin Spacey and Annette Benning. Jeesh, that Dad was creepy. I knew it was the neighbor....
Also watched Philedelphia, a great story about doing the right thing, and saying goodbye, and getting over yourself.
Now if I could just get my husband to slow dance with me.
Took a walk, burned about 400 calories (some walk, huh?) Pete went with me. I had another of those-time-slows-down-moments-when-her-hair-was-blowing-in-the-breeze-and-shining-like-a-blazing-star-and-she -was-happy-and-bouncing. (It's no wonder I call her Little Miss Bouncy Thing. ) She looked at me with that radiant face and I heard the universe give a little jingle. Just for that brief moment Everything Was Alright.I could definitely use more moments like that.
Stealing a great idea from this lady... I'll post a picture once it's done...

Eddie Izzard - Do you have a flag?

what we should have done the 1st time.

Eddie Izzard - Easter and Christmas

I'll have some chocolate, thank you...

"Don't say Gay, Say Lame"

Quoth my friend J. to a student who said the kid looked gay. Lame sounds better, conveys a much more distinct meaning. Not so weak.

But, I drove a friend of my son's home yesterday. He had the gayest hairstyle I have ever fucking seen! Longish, but plastered to his head, looked like my daughter had chopped chucks of it off. And, he had a big horseshoe shaped ring in his nose. And, And, he probably weighed 100 pounds soaking wet.
Sheesh, I'm all for self expression, my son has had his hair many different colors, some natural, some not. For instance, he once had blue hair with red spots.
Yes, he did. But that kind of style is designed to be outlandish- "look at me and my crazy hair!" You just know, a person with a hairstyle like that- he's not trying to look good, he's trying to look different. I'm OK with that. But the hairstyles I'm seeing these days, plastered and chunking, trying to look hot, blech.
Don't even get me started on those skinny jeans with the big belts showing half their ass!
No wonder these boys can't get a girlfriend- their mommas need to have a talk with them, or better yet, a big brother...

Proud

Well, he did it; he joined the Marines. He goes to boot camp right after graduation. I don't let anyone give him a hard time. People keep asking me how I feel.

Here goes:
The world needs warriors. There will always be a need for someone to stand up for what is right. I wish we didn't need guns, or violence, that all the world's leaders did what was best for their country- without harm to others. I wish the world would finally understand that the only result of fighting is more trouble.

But, we're not that evolved yet. So my son has decided to be a warrior. Not many people are prepared to do that. If it was easy, more people would do it, yada yada yada.

Am I scared? Shit, yes! Do I want my son unharmed and whole at the end of this experience? Hell yes!

But I am proud that he is doing what he thinks is right. I taught him to be a leader, to do what is right, to follow his dream. To find the one thing he can't not do and then do it.

Spring Fever

This guy's post got me looking around, and now I've got Spring Fever. I love this time of year. Makes me want to play baseball, and Frisbee, and go down to a lake and sit on the porch, drive fast and listen to loud music...

I can't help but feel young this time of year. Limitless possibilities- word.

Spent the day at my beautiful friend's beautiful house, playing on her porch, watching the kids run and grow, planting flowers. She lives in the great old house with hardwood floors, this splendid pecan tree in her back yard whose branches must be at least 40 feet wide. A tire swing for the young at heart. It's neighbor is an oak, water oak, I think, that has seen years and years of woodpecker abuse, all those holes, in straight lines, going around the entire circumference of the bole.
K. is such a wonderful woman. Used to be married, but her husband didn't appreciate what he had... She deserves so much... she has such grace, I love being around her. Don't know what I did to deserve her as a friend, she's priceless to me. I've nicknamed her house Serenity, because it feels so wonderful....
I watched our girls running towards us, the breeze blowing their hair back, time sorta slowed down.... oh, their beauty takes my breath away...
On the way to her her house, the girls and I we reveling in the riot of color we saw- dogwoods and azaleas everywhere showing off their finest.

It's great to be alive.

my newest addiction

My friend Zonker has introduced me to my newest Addiction, Gosling's Black Seal Rum. Yum! So smooth. In fact, it's as smooth as my husband's... um, never mind.... it's really smooth.

Try some today.
This is NOT a sponsored post, but with enough Gosling's he might get laid....

Bush - Machinehead

this song is pretty good, supposed to be in the post below, but Dr. Doches can't figure out how...

Excretion, A primer

Hello, Dr. Doches here. Holder is off for a little vacation... she asked me take over for her in her absence.



Let's talk excretion.

The human body can excrete waste products in 3 forms- solids, liquids, and gases. These can be released in many forms which we will examine in detail.

Solids

Solids are "leftovers" that are not usable by the body. Fiber, twigs, batteries, the occasional coin, along with cellulose, a sugar that plants use but we cannot digest. Corn, of course. Supposedly it take 24 hours for food to travel from stomach to toilet. Seems like it only takes three hours for me to shat the corn, but maybe that's just me. Our excreta takes on interesting colors. Mainly "Shit" brown- ever mixed all the paints together? What do you get? That's right- shit brown. Occasionally, stool can be green, orangey, red, or even blue, depending on how much spinach, carrots, beets, or blue cotton candy you've had, respectively. We also can excrete some compounds in solid form in our urine. Urea is the stuff in urine that makes it yellow or orange. Lesch-Nyhan Disease is often detected when toddlers have urea crystals in their diapers. A quick and dirty test for Cystic Fibrosis is to get your child sweaty and lick him/her. If the sweat is really salty, get checked.

As an aside- did you know that if you really want to lose weight but can't stand being hungry you can go on a diet of grass- any kind will do. Go out into your yard with a bowl after it's been freshly mowed and fill 'er up! Grass is made of cellulose- you'll feel full, but you get virtually no calories. The down side of course, is how to get that awful green stain off your teeth.

Back to solids- Peristalsis is a wave like motion in your digestive tract. Ever felt the gurgle as a really good fart moves towards the exit? That's peristalsis pushing that gas through. Go here for a moving video of the action.

Every now and again, it happens that a person will consume too much food, or tainted food. The stomach detects this and reverse peristalsis occurs- also known as Yarking.



Liquids

We are roughly 50 to 60 percent water, but like a toilet, we all need a good flush and cleaning out occasionally. That's why we have beer. No, really. OK, maybe not, but I'll tout my bad science anyway I want.
We need about 8-10 glasses... wait, no we don't, that's a myth. We need a liter or so of liquid, more if you're not just sitting on your ass watching the boob tube. Or reading this.

Remember the chick that held her wee for a Wii? Like we didn't see that lawsuit coming. Shit (or Peeee, as the case may be), as far as I'm concerned, that was just giving the gene pool a little flush.

I knew a guy that only drank distilled water. Here's the problem: Water is a polar molecule. That means is has a slight positive charge on one end and a negative charge on the other.

Now you need calcium in your blood so that your heart will pump correctly, sodium and potassium so that everything else runs smoothly and gets their messages from the brain. If you don't get enough of these elements, you'll end up like Terry Schiavo. Anyhoo, remember from chemistry when you learned the oxidation numbers of elements? Each of those elements also have a charge- positive. If you drink this charged water, the metals get stuck to the negative end of the water molecule and don't get to your bones, muscles, organs, brain, or heart.
Which is bad, unless you like the idea of being in a persistent vegetative state while your family rips themselves to pieces over you.



Our kidneys are responsible for keeping the water level in our body correct. They also filter out the nasty shit that gets into your blood stream. Beta carotene in the right quantities is good for you eyes, too much and you'll be wondering why people keep asking you "Orange you glad you like Sunny Delight?" Of course, if you smoke, you might want to skip that second glass.



We get rid of liquids when we exhale, too. Cleaned your glasses lately? Some of us have hot breath. Hot sticky breath. In need of a mint...

We get rid of liquids when we sweat- about a pint a day without extreme temperatures or exercise. I'm allergic to exercise.



Gases



I've saved this for last on purpose. Our primary form of gas excretion is respiration- breathe in, breathe out, breathe in breathe out, Machinehead... good song... Gas exchange occurs at in the alveoli. I love that word. Al-veee-o-lii. I should name my daughter that.

Of course, when we swallow, we also get a little air in our tummies. Get enough and you'll belch, burp, or yarp. If you're really talented, you can burp your ABC's.

Sometimes a little of that air makes it into our intestines and travels along with the food. We have bacteria in our intestines that help break down food and release vitamins. Without them, we'd be dead. They do us a favor and we pay them with a bit of our food and take out their trash. Which brings me to my final form of excretion- farts.

Bacteria make, as waste, methane and other chemicals like scatole and indole. Methane is natural gas, the stuff that comes out of your stove. Of course, methane itself is odorless, and must have mercaptan added to it to give it that distinctive smell. Indole and scatole contain mercaptans. When you fart, you are releasing methane that does not stink, but you also release indole and scatole. And those stink like...shit. So you see, it really isn't you that stinks, it's the bacteria in you intestines.



How can we not talk about releasing gas without talking about the quintessential Gas Bag himself? The Dean of Dukey? The Prince of Poo, the man who is so full of shit it's a wonder his eyes aren't brown-

Turn out the lights...

Arghh! Arghhh! Arghhh!
{jumping up and down in a snit fit}

Here's an idea, you global-warming, AlGore loving, granola head, Birkenstock wearing, funk smelling, cheese loving, lie buying Asshats-

TURN OUT THE LIGHTS EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!

It'll save electricity, money, taxes, and you'll get to see the stars at night every night.

Holy sheep shit, sheeple!

I can't tell you how much this shit pisses me off!!!

We have real problems- safe water for every one, genocide, tobacco, crime. Let's do these.

If we continue to make it harder and harder for people to do business in this country and turn a profit, businesses will more and more move their factories to countries that don't give a shit about human rights and pollution (China comes to mind).

Give me a break.