Pass the salt...

So I'm at the local Wally World picking up some generic Ensure to Re-Pete. She still is not gaining weight like she should....I think she just gets bored eating...

Anuhoo, up walks two sisters, friends of my girls and roughly the same age. We haven't seen them all summer, so right away they start planning play dates.

A bit of history- the mother is bipolar, been in the hospital a few times, has recently lost a shit-load of weight (why, yes, that is metric term, why do you ask?), in addition to losing their house and most of their life savings being bat-shit crazy. She nice, but she has a lot of trouble keeping her shit in one sock, if you know what I'm saying. And I think you do.

So there she is.
And I say, "Hey how are? Have you been going crazy being cooped up in the house all summer with the kids?"

...silence...

"Um, I just got out of the hospital. I'm on lithium now. I have a hard time concentrating right now. "

Shit. Pass the salt for my foot....

What was in that cold medicine?

Bad news in dream land last night. First it was the alligator's chomping on my feet, then it was the death of friends and getting lost in Atlanta.
This cold simple must go away.

Crazy women

I was over a Richard's site a minute ago, and came across this story. Now crap like does happen, but sometimes it's the waitresses. Take, for example, this chick who used to work for my husband. Cute, but a little daft. I was pregnant with my oldest, many moons ago, when dear hubby asked me to give this girl a ride home. When I say pregnant, I mean forever pregnant, big as a house pregnant, beached whale pregnant. Here was the conversation we had, more or less:



Her: Do you want to see a picture of my boyfriend?

Me: sure

Her: Shows me a picture of my husband.

Me: Really?

Her: Yeah, but I think he's married.

Me: Why, yes, he is.

Her: Do you know her?

Me: Yes, I do. She's a real bitch.



About that time we get to her house.



Her: Really?

Me: Yes, I'm his wife.



She got out of the car and walked inside quickly. I knew without a doubt he was not that stupid bitch's boyfriend, or anyone else's for that matter. But I was damned if I would ever look at her again.

When I got back home I gave my husband the first of two ultimatums in our life together: either he fired that crazy bitch or I was gone.

Smart man.

TMI

One evening last week, my darling hubs brought home crab legs for dinner.

I love me some crab laigs!

Uhmm, I'm allergic to them, sometimes. But it's a crap shoot, or maybe I should say crab shoot as to whether or not I'll have a reaction. This time I did, my head hurt like you would not effing believe. I told my students they could probably get away with murder if they would. just. be. quiet. The headache went away, but I don't think I want any more crab legs. My department head said he's never heard of anyone having a crab hangover. Funny.

So yesterday afternoon I get a rumbly feeling in abdominal area. I wait for the BM commencement warning, but then I get the worst farts I have ever smelled. Seriously.

Seriously.
I was appalled. What could possible have crawled up my ass and died to produce that bad of a smell? I made the dog leave the room. Seriously. I let one rip- a loud bap-bap-bap-bap-bap, the dog raised his nose and sniffed in excitement. Instead he sneezed and trotted off into the next room.
Traitor.

Re-Pete, whom I lovingly refer to as the "Up-My-Butt-Baby" was walking right behind me when bap-bap-bap-bap-bap, "Ewwww! Mommy" and then she started wiping her face, like something had gotten on her.

I cracked up again writing this!

Hubba told me if I woke him up tonight he was moving to the couch. He said he hoped he could wake up. We slept with the windows open so I wouldn't poison us both.

I was so disgusted with my self. But, strangely, perversely, proud at the same time.
Who could I share this experience with, someone who could appreciate a good fart? The list is rather short, I'm afraid.

When I woke up this morning, glad I hadn't poisoned myself, I felt better, no ruminations.
Then I got the signal-
BM commencing in 10 ....

Damn. That sucker was impressive. I swear I heard my uterus exclaim,"Who moved out? There's a lot more room in here now"

Suddenly, my stomach is empty and my center of gravity has shifted..