Saturday, August 11, 2007

Scary shit

A while back, I got to thinking that I don't do enough quality things with my girls. And that makes me feel really guilty, of course. Which makes sense since my mother was Catholic and doled out guilt like peppermint.
I often have dreams to deal with the stuff that floats around in my mind. It's my way of mentally taking out the trash. So this post is about a couple of scary dreams.
As background, Pete was born with intestinal issues (this is a little graphic, but pretty close to what she had) and had to have some surgery right after birth. Her intestines are placed a little different as a result. We have to be careful now what she eats, since gas can be Very Painful for her. She is also a drama queen and prone to theatrics. Sometimes it is hard for me to tell if she is really in pain, or just being a pain in the ass. I feel guilty sometimes for not believing her, but get frustrated when she carries on about every scratch.
I had a dream some time ago that Pete (my oldest girl) had been put in the hospital for some tests. I wasn't worried because I thought the doctors would just find out she had bad gas again. So I went to my meeting, only to get the horrible call. It turns out, in my dream, that she had an intestinal infection that had been undiagnosed and her intestines had burst and she had died. It was horrible. I woke up crying.
The dream faded, only to make a cameo at last night dream. I'm outside, at some function. People are dressed very nice in summery dresses and lightweight slacks. It's some kind of memorial service. Then I remember it's a service to remember our dead children. The American flag is waving in the breeze and I turn to a woman who is crying and say to her, "I know how you feel. When my [Pete] died, I couldn't believe that the flag could even still be raised. I couldn't understand how the clouds could still move. She died of an intestinal infection."
And I woke up crying.

I think I keep dreaming of death and separation because that's what I worry about. My children's health, my husband's health (Please Stop Smoking!!!). I obsess about my husbands' health since both my parents died of smoking related diseases, heart attack and lung cancer (PLEASE PLEASE Stop Smoking).


Dax Montana said...

Damn! That's hardcore! ...And not smoking kicks ass...17 months now. Just Damn!

supergurl said...

wow, you weren't kidding. that's some horrible recurring nightmare.

ps, i like the dream cameo when it's not as devastating as this one. it's almost more believable the second time.

and i love you gurl. i hope ole what's his ass puts down the smokes soon. not right traumatizing the wife when she's already down one daughter. really.