Monday, December 27, 2010


This word confounds me, but seems to describe my life these days.
In Greek it means  "standing still".

On one hand it means balanced and equal. And that certainly applies here. I have worked long and hard to get to where I am now. Years of college, doing without, pinching pennies, keeping my eye on the prize. Now it is paying off. I have a great job. I teach a subject I love- on the honor's level, no less. I have been asked to get certified to teach AP classes. Which I definitely will. Even though I thinks my students would be much better served with dual enrollment. Students take the class at college. Not at high school. If they make a C, they still get credit. If they take the class in high school and don't do well enough on the AP test, no college credit for them! I think the students are better served at college. But if the school wants to pay me to get certified, and then I get a chance to teach at that high of a level- I am all over it!
But, back to my point. For the first time in a long time, I feel like life is going very well for us. We have enough money to do the things we want, the girls are old enough that we can take them to different places. We can even start replacing some of junky belongings with nicer stuff. That's a pretty great feeling.

On the other hand, Stasis means a blockage. And I feel that too. Think about the great Mississippi River. Barrelling through its channel, pushing everything along, full of energy and power. Going places, moving and shaking. Sure, it make not look it, but the Mississippi at it largest has incredible power. But then it hits the Delta and what happens? The water enters the ocean, an almost infinitely larger channel. The river loses its energy, slows down, drops it cargo of silt, mud, organics, maybe a few bodies into the ocean. New land rises, shifting and uncertain. Only time will tell how stable the land is.  Stream channels must change their course to keep running. The muddy detritus of the river blocks the water's flow, making movement impossible.
I feel like I am on uncertain ground myself. Two months after I graduated I was still running, pushing, shaking, full of energy. Then I hit the ocean, metaphorically speaking. I have slowed down, lost a bit of energy. Actually, maybe not lost it, but redirected it. The scientist in me knows that energy cannot poof out of existence, only transferred to something else. Am I redirecting my energy to building something new? Am I on unstable ground? There is something scary about being successful. Along with it is the scary question of whether I actually deserve to be happy. (This is where I prove my husband's idea that women have snakes in their head).
I am excited about my future, but scared that I will screw it up.

No comments: