Sunday, February 24, 2008

Yet another reason

to pay attention to my health.

About 5 years ago I dropped quite a bit of weight. I didn't even realize it. Really. I wasn't dieting or exercising, I just got very busy, I was working with a crazy pretty woman who was a health nut, I adopted some of her habits and by the end of the school year I was the thinnest I been since my wedding.
So I got the idea to quit smoking.

Wait, there's a lot more to it than that.

I had felt extremely guilty, ashamed, to be smoking. Both my parents had died from smoking related illnesses, I was a teacher, high school science, no less. I really thought I should be a better role model. The worst part was I always felt like my son was ashamed of me for smoking. I came to the realization that I wanted to be alive when my children were adults, when my grandchildren were born, and (with any luck) they graduated high school. So I quit.
Easy peasy, right?

Oh, Hell No.

I was such a coward. Just the thought of not smoking made my heart beat a little faster. And not in a good way. I did not think I could do it. But my desire to see my children grown was bigger.

At first, I quit for an hour at a time, sometimes 30 minutes. I would say over and over to myself. "I am a non-smoker" "I do not smoke" I went bat-shit crazy. And not quietly, either. Ask my kids about riding in the car with me. I scared myself sometimes with the intensity of my anger. I would look at the clock and count the hours, obsessing about how many hours it had been since my last smoke. My husband took a lot of flack from me, and shielded me from the rest of the world while I worked it out. He kept the kids safe from me, too. I have a large debt to pay him! I went through the physical stuff. I didn't realize my entire digestive system would be out of whack for weeks.

Of course, I gained a bit a weight. Truth be told, I'm fatter now than I've ever been- even in late stage pregnancy. Sometimes I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I look at myself and two words reverberate through my head, "Fat Ass"- the epitome of insults. And shopping is just an exercise is self abuse. Usually ending in tears. Some days I think, "If one more person stares at my stomach, I'm gonna clock them in their head" And that show on TV, with the guy getting women to "love their bodies"?
Not. Gonna. Happen.

I know, I did it to myself, and I'm not looking for sympathy.

I was gonna tell you about one of the people I work with who is even more disproportionate than I am being in the hospital with heart trouble, and how when ever I see her it makes me never want to eat again, but now, I think this may not be the time.


Erica said...

Girl.....this is like every other post, and every other waking moment for me. You are not alone in your feelings, but, I will say, it's somewhat refreshing to know that others think more highly of me than I do of myself. And the same, I think, is true for you...

Not trying to be nice, or shower you with love & sympatico, but you are one hot mama, with a very sexy voice, I might ad, who makes awesome cheese beer soup, and I hope knowing that you are very loved and adored and cared about makes you want to drop the excess poundage, for you, first, and then for your hubby and kadiddles, instead of some stooopid doooshwad TV show.

And truthfully, peeps with perfect bodies (talking guys and girls, here, though I prefer looking at guys) do nothing for me. I like a little belly, a little love handle...and call me crazy, but, I think manboobs are kind of sexy, too (within reason, of course).

(fans self)

Sometimes inner substance is what matters more, and you have got lots of dat.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Hugs and smiles coming your way, Holder! (yeah, I saw my own pics from the blogmeet...)

Mebbe we'll change your name to Holder of All Things Necessary for Happiness, or some shit like that, cuz you're definitely not useless, nor is your knowledge.

Meanwhile, wait for it, it's coming... it'll happen.